Of all the stupid things I have done in my life, the most recent is most probably the worst simply because it is the only thing --- out of all things that I did, without any real reason or any valid thought. All the other things I have done to hurt people in the past were not done intentionally, but with some kindof thought, with some kind of desire for something more. This, this last one, had nothing to do with anything. It was out of character, it was out of range, it was completely, and utterly irrational. Know that I had no intention of hurting you, and know that this was truly a moment in which I drew a complete blank.

I know you will never forget this, and I'm not asking you to.
Just know that I love you, so much more than anyone I have ever known.
I will never hurt you like this again, and I am waiting anxiously until I can hold you in my arms again.
To hold you tight.
To let you know that I will always be there.
And most importantly, to show you that you mean the world to me.

You will always have my heart.

Now, as I sit here, head aching, and body growing warm from the wine I shared with a friend, despairing like me, I feel motivated. Despite all the crazy ideas bouncing off the walls of my brain, I have finally realized, after a day of moping, crying, and cursing the world and my stupidity, that I have a chance to correct the things that are wrong with my world. Instead of being passive as I was today and tonight, with all the mojitos, the merlot, and the chardonnay, and being deathly close to falling even further from grace, instead of drowning my sorrows, giving up, waving the white flag, and drinking my life away, I will force myself to really think about this.

The things I have done recently are not adequate reflections of the person I truly am, however, they are an expression of my desire to escape the binds of school and extracirricular responsibility. I'm not talking about the bad thing I did the other night, but rather, my desire to kick it, to let things come and go, to prop my feet up and watch the world pass me by, all in the company of good friends -- those friends that watch out for me, that eye me out with that evil, ugly face that I hate, that point fingers and yell at me, all to stop me from doing the stupid things that I am duly capable of. Those friends that look out for my best interests, and inevitably, for the interests of those closest to me. For the rest of this break, I have decided to let loose - and not meaning, be promiscuous, or drink till my brain explodes, or betray the trust of others - I mean to relax, and enjoy the beauty of my island, and all the while, thinking about what is best for me, and the one whom I love most dearly.

I, like you, am afraid. I am afraid of losing everything we've worked so hard to do and despite all the bad things, the mistakes, and wrongs I did to ruin what could have been a happier eleven months, a part of me still, still wants to fix it. A part of me wants to take responsibility for everything and make it better, make you happier, show you that I can do better, that I am better, and that I can be in control of my life and all aspects of it. To tell you the truth, I am probably the worst prioritizer in the world. Ever since the beginning, I have always been the type who tosses up everything else just to be with one person. I am the person who dumps everything on my boyfriend, I am the person who depends on him, who expects so much from him, and who, undoubtedly drives him crazy. I really am as crazy as I say I am, and well, I know that all the things I did, taking out my anger on you, stressing you out, and picking miniscule fights, could have all been prevented, provided I control myself. Provided that I thought of someone other than myself. The thing is, our problem was not prioritizing. Our problem was not making time for other people. But ironic as this sounds, I loved every minute I spent with you. And though I did feel sad that I wasn't there for some things, I was glad, through it all, that I had you to be with me. If anything, my only regret is not being there for my friends when they needed me. Not knowing what went on with their lives or not keeping up, not asking how they were doing, being a flake, and a crappy friend. So really, this isn't our problem, it's mine. And really, just know that if we do do this again, I will do everything in my power, to make sure that we stay strong and most importantly, that we are happy.

In lieu of everything that has happened and before anything else that may come next, please know that I love you, with every bone, every fiber in my body, and that I am devastated knowing that I did such a horrible thing to you. Please know that I am sorry. For everything.